Single Sistas Looking for Love: White Men Welcome Too

Hello, Negros and Non-Negro friends!,

I run another blog, singlesista.com, where I talk about African American Women finding love. As a single African American women, I’ve found that one of the major topics of conversation among my single sistafriends is how to meet a good man and have a long term relationship that could possibly result in marriage. I personally think it has a lot to do with the overall pool (and shortage in that pool) of available black men. However, I’ll save my detailed thoughts on that for another time. I’m many times scowled at when I propose the possibility that black women may have to get comfortable the possibility with being alone for the rest of their lives due to a number of factors….

1. Men don’t find them attractive (Weight, let themselves go, dating younger women, men are visual..etc)

2. They are too picky and don’t want to “settle” for less than the brother that fits their “list”. Not tall enough, not “black” enough, doen’t make enough…etc

3. They don’t try hard enough. They think a good black man is going to just magically appear. Most of these women don’t date online or go out of their way to be in the presence of men (it’s a numbers game).

4. They don’t acknowledge that murder (crack was king in the late 80′s and 90′s), the prison system, homosexuality being more accepted in society (and the down low)…all affect the numbers of available men. The ratio of single black men to single black women 1-5 or more in many cities.

5. They don’t date outside of their race.

I’d like to know what you think about number 5. Here are some reasons I’ve found as to why black women don’t date outside of their race.

  • Dating outside of your race is something that African American women have routinely bad mouthed African American men for doing. It’s very, very hypocritical for those same women to now date white, hispanic, asian…men.
  • Black women assume that men of other races (most notably white men) don’t find them attractive. One of the major reasons why…They don’t get hit on by men of other races. Some of this can be explained by where black women spend their leisure time and where they meet men (all black environments, such as church, vs. mixed environments).
  • Black women are taught in the home and the culture that the perfect man for them will be a black man.
  • Connotation from slavery (domination by a white master, rape) still linger in the subconscious of black culture
  • Family and community may not approve. Many black men are offended by black women dating white men, and feel it’s a betrayal.
  • The need to have a partner in the struggle, someone who understands the black experience
  • Not wanting to be desired because of your ethnicity, “black concubine” syndrome

Why should black women date outside of their race? What do you think about it. Are you a black woman who’s been involved in an interracial relationship. Tell me the positive, negative and in between.

58 Comments

Filed under african american, black man, black women, culture, dating, interracial, love, opinion, race

58 Responses to Single Sistas Looking for Love: White Men Welcome Too

  1. christine

    i dated several white and latino men before i met my husband who is multiracial, like me.

    A few were nice enough, but there was something inside of me that wouldn’t allow me to trust them. i had bad experiences with racism, but have always tried not to fold folks into boxes. i’m all about equal opportunity.

    Though most of the men were kind, i couldn’t get comfortable, especially when it came to sex. It felt like i was betraying my family. My mother, especially who always warned us that a white man can never understand where we’re coming from and what we’re about. i also felt that they were a little frightened of me, like they were waiting for me to get loud or go off on them all the time. i’m pretty reserved and i think that also disappointed them a little.

    The thing i did enjoy about being out with white men was the shock it gave people. Times have changed but they haven’t. Oh the stares i’d get! But one can’t build a real and positive relationship based on that.

    Thankfully, i found my husband and he is perfect for me in every way. He gets me and respects me, and i get and respect him.

  2. Quiconque

    I realize that you’re soliciting comments on point #5, but I would like to address something you mention in point #4. I disagree with your statement that “homosexuality being more accepted in society” has lessened the number of available men. First of all, whether or not he is in the closet (or on the DL), a homosexual man is simply not available for a woman who is looking for a real life partner. If he’s out of the closet, the woman learns he’s not available the easy way. If he’s in the closet, things get more complicated, but ultimately he will not be able to give her the love she is seeking in the long term. Second, men are not the only homosexuals. So, not only does homosexuality take some men off the market as potential partners for women, it also takes some women out of the pool of rivals for heterosexual male attention.

  3. Actually Quiconque, you do agree with me. My point in #4 is that all of the reasons I state do just what you note at the end of your comment “take some men off the market as potential partners for women”. I list homosexuality (closeted and open) with the prison system, drug use, and murder. So, we agree on your first point and your closing statement.

    On you second point…I’m not talking about men finding women. Yes, when a man or woman decides they do not want to engage in hetero activities any more…that’s one of the market. Given…but OFF TOPIC.

    In my opinion, homosexuality is more acceptable in the black community today than the black community of 20, 30, or 40 years ago. I see gay black teens all over DC, all the time, free and loving themselves, HONEY!! I don’t remember that back in the day. I love me some “Noah’s Arch”…that’s not a show you would have seen on BET in the 80′s, Chile. OK?!? That’s my point on that point.

    In the in, sistafriends are having a time and a half due to a lot of reasons, external and internal, in their search for a good black man.

  4. C-Dina

    I live in Washington, D.C. I went on two separate dates with two different white guys, and am surprised they weren’t lynched by the Brothas that night! (no pun intended). Everywhere we went cold stares towards the both of us. The brothas throwing out over-emphasized, “Hello, my SISSSSSSTAH!”. At the nightclub I went to with one of them, the poor fella tried to dance with me (And actually could), but got so many drinks ‘accidentally’ spilled on him and his toes stomped on by, you guessed it—the “Brothas”, that our date was spoiled, and he lost his nerve to continue seeing me. Likewise for the other ‘non-Brother’. I think it’s ironic that a lot of these Brothas catching an attitude gave me so much grief, as most of them date/d, and/or even have had children with a non-Nubian woman, and will be as defensive as if in court about it too! The double-standards gotta go. In this day and age, we have socialogically evolved to a place where we should only consider one “Race” to exist: The Human Race. So what if the ethnicities vary? If I’m Italian and go to a grocery store, am I only supposed to purchase food items traditional to my country? Or have I the right to mix Kosher meat with Wisconsin cheddar? I think we all need to just live and let live. Love and let love. And of course….mind our own business and stay out of peoples’ personal affairs. Easier said than done, I know…..

  5. Cami B

    I am a 24 yr old African-American woman who is engaged to a Caucasian man. And yes, there are stigmas attatched to interracial dating and relationships. When ever we go anywhere we get stares from people. I see black men look at us and have even heard them make comments about why couldn’t I give a good black man a chance. It is a huge double standard because black men dating white women is so widespread nowadays that they don’t attract as much attention when you see them out. But I have seen more black women dating outside their race recently too. I am one of them, and it has absolutely nothing to do with turning my back on black men. I have dated different races of men, I have two children who are African-American. My ex-husband is a black man. The man I love now just happens to be white. And his race has nothing at all to do with why I am with him. His initial attraction to me may have been because he has always dated black women, but he loves me for who I am as a person. He has stated that black women have always been his preference, even as a little boy he was never attracted to white women. And that’s his choice, that’s his preference. In my case I decided to think outside the box. Did I ever think when I was a little girl that my true love would be a blond blue-eyed white man? No, but here I am and sure enough I love him more than anybody I have ever loved. He loves me, he appreciates me, he treats me like a queen, worships the ground I walk on. He is my best friend, and my lover all rolled into one. He is a wonderful man, responsible, respectful, protective and an excellent father to my children and his daughter. He does so many little things to help me on a daily basis that I don’t think I’d ever be able to find anybody else black/white or otherwise who could measure up. I was asked if I thought true love exists. I am proof that it absolutely does. True love is when a man can look at you and think you are just as beautiful in sweat pants and a raggedy tee shirt with your hair in rollers as you are when you are all dressed up. True love is when you are sick and he goes out of his way to do whatever he can to ease your discomfort. I am a survivor of an abusive relationship, I was kidknapped, raped at gun point and beaten by my ex and still have symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress disorder. I don’t sleep well some nights, I have terrible nightmares and wake up crying. My fiance understands me and loves me so much that it hurts him to see me hurting. He wakes up with me when I can’t sleep and holds me reassuring me that everything is going to be okay. He stays up after I’ve fallen back to sleep to watch me and make sure I’m sleeping soundly, he has told me he can tell when I’m having a bad dream. I have asked him not to do this, and I’ve told him that because he misses out on good sleep because of me I feel I am a burden to him. He tells me that he loves me and I could never be a burden to him. He stays up because he wants to make sure I am okay. If this is not true love I don’t know what is. We are getting married March 15, 2008 and we couldn’t be happier.

  6. CheaButta

    Well, all I have to say is if you know of any single men who are worthwhile, please forward them my way! He can be yellow with purple stripes – just be a good man! LMBO

  7. ms_anne

    Thank you Lord, I agree with C-Dina’s comment “I think we all need to just live and let live. Love and let love. And of course….mind our own business and stay out of peoples’ personal affairs. Easier said than done, I know…..”. I have lived in the South all my life and I am open enough to date outside my race. However for those that can come up with excuses, life is for the living and if you let others live your life kiss it goodbye. I have learned over the years(45) I have lived, If you need happiness and a peace of mind look inside yourself. Caring about what other people think leads to destruction. I’ve tried the date only black men thing (over it). My mother and other family members would have to get the F___ over it. I will live my life as I so see fit to be a spiritually happy and free black woman. Call me selfish, but I want someone to love me first and foremost, Call me a romantic, but I can only do so many movies and walks in the park alone, not to mention buying the toys and playing by myself. I could care less what color he is, what church he goes to, what hockey, basketball, baseball or football team he cheers for. As long as I am treated by him, the way I deserve, as the QUEEN I AM!!!. CARPE DIEM. Bring my KING WHOMEVER HE IS. Hopefully he’ll be driving and not riding a horse. But even at that I’m willing to learn.

  8. Coach

    Please allow a brother to speak on this subject. One of the main reasons brothers object to sisters dating white men is because it reminds us of the slavery days where the white men TOOK our black girls. Point #2. White men DO want you because they think you are more freaky than white women.
    Point #3. There is no DOUBLE STANDARD. Black men dating white women is still not acceptable in our society. My brother has been married to a white woman for 30 years and he still catch flack, especially by BLACK WOMEN. Lastly, Whether it is real or not, most black men feel that the only reason black women date white men is because of the money. I went to Pepperdine University in Malibu, CA. The few black women (there were few black men, also) who did attend the school always dated the rich white boy and never gave us poor (but intelligent) black guys a chance. The bottom line is, we hate to see you dating white men because we feel that they are only using you. I hope my little piece did not upset anyone. I’m just a brother who is not afraid to tell you how we feel because I do LOVE my black sisters.

  9. Coach, “Point #2. White men DO want you because they think you are more freaky than white women.”

    Isn’t that the same reason black men like white women? LOL LOL LOL

  10. niki

    In response to comment #5, it all comes to black women need to pursue happiness no matter what color that person comes in. I currently live in Atlanta, and I too am engaged to a white male. What I have found is black men and white women are most likely to show their distaste for us as a couple. I actually laugh at the white women who may snicker, becuz I feel like “how u like that get back”. They been pursuing and taking our most affluent men for years,I feel its only fair to open my heart to to their doctors, attorneys, athletes, and muscians. Why limit oneself? Many white men find black women attractive, it’s just black women are reluctant to engage them when they flirt. Within my social and family sect, many of my friends male and female have been supportive and like my fiancee because they admire how he treats me “like a queen”. I mean really…. treats me like royalty and appreciates me, and everything about me. As a revolutionary black woman, you could have never told me in a million years I would be engaged to a white man. I still attend my NAACP and black panther meetings, and when I protest he protests. I love black men, and I still find black men attractive; but in a city where the ratio is 20 women per 1 male, I couldn’t find any1 interested in a long term monogamous relationship. Everybody just wanted to play and hook up. And I understand the man’s point of view, there is plenty of fish in the sea. I just got tired of fishing. I got a personal social agenda and it includes marriage and children before I’m 40.

    My extended family has been very welcoming as well. Now my immediate family started out acting real funny style. But they have finally came around. Whereas his immediate family was much more open arms, and his extended family was reserved. I think the social acceptance pretty much depends on demographics. The dating climate in some areas are strictly drawn amongst silent lines of social segregation. In Atlanta, I have seen an increase in black women dating white men; I mean since there is a large population of openly gay black men residing here, black women have basically open up the dating pool to include whomever. Whereas, my girlfriends in Michigan would totally find dating white to be taboo. But for a woman seeking love and marriage, I think its appropriate to love whomever loves you. Yes there are times where you have to explain things because they just don’t know nor understand, just like blacks can’t comprehend why whites do some things. That goes to culture, and rearing; but in the end I find it to be a learning experience for all involved.

  11. I am enjoying finding your blog and stumbling upon this conversation. I have nothing to add~just sayin’ HI! (((((HUGS))))) sandi

  12. I am a serial dater and wife (LOL) and I have dated one White man. The reason the relationship did not work out is the same reason it wouldn’t have worked out with a Black man – he was cheap. He preferred dining at Taco Bell and Wendys and to him Red Lobster was equivalent to dining at an establishment which offers a bottle of champagne for $600.

    He was a decent and kind man but when he presented me with one of those “As Seen On TV” closet gizmo’s for Christmas and I in turn gave him an outfit, I thought things were headed south. Then my children’s birthdays and Valentine’s Day came and went and the gifts for the children were non-existent (cards only) and I won’t even go there about Valentine’s Day. I, in turn, gave both of his children nice gifts for their birthdays and Christmas. When I kicked him to the curb, he appeared at my door bearing the gifts he should’ve been giving all along – a diamond heart necklace, a gorgeous outfit and $40 in cards for each of my two children. Know why I refused to reconcile? Because if he knew to do this AFTER I dumped him, he knew to do it while we were together. The key here is that a Black man is capable of the same behavior and I would have treated him the same.

    The one thing I found the most intriguing about dating this man was the segment of society who seemed to resent us as a couple the most was not the segment I expected it to be. Black men did double takes but said nothing and did not toss any ugly looks my way. Black women just seemed shocked but nothing more. White men didn’t seem to notice but whoooaa – White women looked like they wanted to lynch me – seriously. I think this could be attributed to the fact that he was very handsome and was in excellent physical condition – dunno – just my sociological perspective.

    Yes, dating someone of a different race takes some getting used to – for you and them. The White man I dated had been dating Black women for some time and a previous marriage had been to a Black woman and had produced a son so he was very comfortable around my family and friends. However, not all my family and friends were comfortable around him.

    One of the responders stated that she was never able to be comfortable with White men sexually. The White man I dated was one of the best lovers I have ever had.

    My suggestion to Black women regarding dating men of other races is this:

    The color of his skin is NOT indicative of what’s IN him. Don’t lessen your pool of candidates by focusing on skin color. However, don’t decide to date a man of another race just because you’ve given up on Black men. That attitude is not fair to the man you are dating. No one wants to be dated for that type of reason. If you decide to date a man of another race, judge him as a suitable candidate based on his character, how you feel when you are with him, compatibility – things like that.

    Finally, be prepared for the backlash of people you know and strangers alike. As for me, I don’t give a rap what people say or think so my skin maybe tougher than most.

    Yes, meeting a Black man who is perfect for me – not perfect – but perfect for me would be great, however, I am a realist and what I realize is this:

    1. Because of the pool of candidates or should I say lack thereof, this may not come to pass.
    2. I want to be with someone who I can love unconditionally and vice versa and frankly, I don’t care what color his skin is.

    Carmin Wharton, The Relationship Teacher
    http://www.carminwharton.com
    http://lovelessonslearned.com

  13. Wait a minute Coach. Black women dating white men reminds you of what? You’ve have got to be one incredibly old man.

    I went to university just down the road at UCLA. My black female friends dated black. I know I had one mad crush on one of my black male classmates too, so maybe you ought to have rolled over to Westwood.

    However, not all white guys are using us. Some are, for sure, because some guys are just players. But that goes for black men too. It’s up to women not matter what color to be savvy enough to make a guy work for the date. The players will move on. Those who like you will stick around.

    I’ve dated interracially and I’m very careful. If guys come at me with stereotypes and generalizations, I’m running. However, if it seems like he’s liking me for me (my personality, my smarts, my sense of humor) in addition to the fact that I’m black, I’ll give him a chance.

    I’m just glad that when I did a lot of dating it was in California because I didn’t get the crazy mess that C-Dina and her date when through. That’s craziness.

  14. ms_anne

    I too live in Atlanta, (Niki) unless you are willing to date outside your race, you will probably not date anyone with integrity, or desires a monogamous relationship. I have lived in Atlanta for the last 15 yrs and truly if I were’nt interested in (hooking up) with a guy the conversation quickly turned cold. (It’s a good thing I have a fireplace.) So Niki where did you meet Mr. Right so I can flirt with someone who’ll flirt back.

    Not reluctant to flirt…

  15. Listen up! Race is only an issue when YOU make it an issue. I’m Black, I’ve dated white and black. The colour of the skin makes no difference. Both black and White men have good and bad points. It’s not the skin, it’s the individual. I like a man who treat’s me as ME. Love me for who I am or don’t love me at all.

  16. Coach

    Expatjane, I’m not an incredibly old man, but a real man who is willing to tell you what others are afraid to say. Due you honestly think the good ol’ boys on Capital Hill respect Ms. Candoleeza Rice for her brain? As soon as she walks out the room she becomes that black “B”. Even in your young life time you will never be looked upon as an equal in the white man’s eye. Most white men view black women the same way the few a prize poodle. something to show to their friends and say ” look what I’m got”. I know some of you sisters feel that we brothers have dogged you out, but now all of us. You have never been dogged until you have been dogged by a white boy.

    But you know, I agree with all of you about being with the one who treats you the best, regardless of race. I’m just saying that racism is still alive and very real, my young sister.

  17. BROTHERSOFTHEFUTURE

    WHERE TO BEGIN MY SISTAS ,BLACK IS BEAUTIFUL ,BLACK IS STRONG, BLACK IS POWERFUL, AND DON’T LET NO ONE TELL YOU DIFFERENT. DO NOT FEEL LIKE THAT, JAILS IS WHERE THEY WANT THE BLACK MAN AT SO THAT THE WHITE MAN CAN GET TO YOU, YOU SPEAK ON LOVE , AND THINK THAT THEY WILL LOVE YOU , THEY DON’T . IF YOU BELIEVE THAT . SOME PLACES YOU CAN NOT GO , SOME PLACES HE CAN NOT GO ,BUT FOR YOU MY BLACK SISTAS THINK , THE PAIN, THE HURT, OF KNOWING WHAT’S IN STORE FOR YOU. GOING TO THEIR TOWN OR BACK HOME WITH THEM FOR THE HOLIDAYS . WHAT DO YOU THINK WILL HAPPEN, WHAT WILL THEIR PARENTS SAY WHEN YOU ARE NOT IN THE ROOM WITH THEM, PRIME EXAMPLE DOG THE BOUNTY HUNTER, NOT EVERYBODY THINKS LIKE THAT ,BUT SOMEBODY DOES, WAKE UP. WAKE UP.

  18. Too little too late

    I totally agree with you, black women need to get over their xenophobia and get with the program like everyone else.

    My husband and I have been married for a year. This is my second marriage and I have one child from my previous marriage. My first husband was Jamaican and we were married three years before he cheated on me and we divorced. Afterwards I was a mess and as a vaction, I took an internship as a conceirge at a hotel in shanghai where I met my second husband, who is Cambodian/laosian. We dated for 4 years til we got married last june and I happier than I’ve ever been in my life. He’s funny, intelligent, kind, thoughtful, loving, and great to my daughter. He was my best friend in Shanghai and also, stayed at the hotel I worked at for business meetings.

    It’s still really hard for us because my family doesn’t approve of our marriage, but are at least civil to him. Also, though most of his family likes me, his elder sister (who is like a mother to him.) told me straight to our faces that she sent him to America (he went to college here.) to meet a nice blond haired blued American girl, but I’ll do.

    His younger brother hates my guts because i refuse to let him take advantage of my husband and he even told my husband that my daughter isn’t his responsibility so why is he taking in strays. Of course my husband punched him (first time I’ve ever seen doing anything remotely violent.) and called my daughter his, which nearly made me cry cause he loved us so much.

    We get stares everywhere we go and when we’re in America, black men still try to talk to me when he’s right there and make fun of us. Some of my friends, who are ‘done’ told me not to invite him to any of our events, so I had to drop them.

    It’s a process, but the both of us are definitely ready to go through it together.

  19. Dark and Lovely

    White Men make Dark Skinned Sista’s feel Beautiful

    I am an attractive, professionally successful, highly intelligent and vibrant dark complexion black woman in my late 40′s. I’ve recently divorced after 23 yrs of marriage. I have deliberately acquired a focused effort to live my life on my own terms this time around. As a result I have become very introspective which led to a startling conclusion about myself, ergo this Blog.

    I am very attracted to white men!

    In questioning my motives or to at least get a glimpse into my rationale I have stumbled upon a very alarming thought…

    I love the way the complimentary attention given by white men provides me sense of power and vindication. It’s as if receiving attention from handsome, intelligent and successful white men nullifies the lack of attention and sometimes rejection from comparable black men.

    The attention I received from seriously interested white men has always been in the form of kind, sincere and courageous compliments about my physical beauty, intellect and exciting fun-filled personality. This is very attractive and because white men convey it so easily and often I have begun to trust the purity of their intent.

    Albeit this revelation is somewhat freeing….It also makes me sad.

    I was raised in a predominately white community but always had black boyfriends. Being a dark skinned sista’ I had to deal with my share of rejections from black guys who had been brained washed with the light-skin-is-better skin residual slave mentality. I even created a self-defensive mechanism which allowed me to herald my extreme intellectual gifts while downplaying any reference to physical beauty.

    Interestingly, while in college I briefly dated a white guy who would repeatedly tell me I was absolutely beautiful. Well of course I just thought he wanted to get in my panties. I believed the hype “all white men secretly wanted to bed a black woman”. Boy, was I wrong. This man wanted me. He loved my intelligence and wit, my smile, my laugh, my deep mocha smooth skin, my interesting conversation, my confidence, my drive and direction…He liked me! But I would not allow myself to succumb to his advances because I had serious racial hangups. Silly me….

    I was waiting for the black man who would find in me the good gifts God has given me. One who would lovingly bestow upon me the compliments he was moved to verbalize because of what he saw when he viewed me and what he felt when he was in my presence or I was on his mind. But that black prince charming never appeared. Even when I finally decided to marry the black man I loved I had still not found him. Unfortunately my choice of a husband was also a man who was not easily given to compliments but often criticized (hence the divorce).

    Now 30 years after my first encounter with a white man I am single again and dating white men as a preference. Don’t misunderstand though…I still am attracted to a tall deep dark chocolate man. But when I date an intelligent professional successful good looking black men I find myself reducing my expectations. I don’t expect to receive regularly verbalized or otherwise displayed complimentary adorations of my physical beauty or any other attributes. This should not be so.

    Am I alone in this dilemma?

    Signed..

    Compliment Me, The Dark Skinned Sista’

  20. Caligyrl

    @ Coach…please stop the bull…you don’t care about bw at all ..your problem is just like what all of you are suffering..your pride is hurt knowing that many bw now prefer white men! Take your history lesson to tiger woods , cuba gooding and all the many Black male celebs that worship ww. Damn..why can’t you(bm) just leave us alone?

  21. Caligyrl

    @Brothasofthefuture….im sure your concern is genuine but bw will be just fine..thank you anyway.

  22. BROTHERSOFTHEFUTURE

    CALIGYRL IT GOES THE SAME FOR THE BLACK MENS TOO .

  23. dottie65

    If black men can date out of his race, why can’t she? I think it’s real stupid to keep bringing up slavery as to reasons of not dating out. It’s ridiculous!!!

    Why should it a problem to the Black Community anyways? There’s still more black men and women who are still available, so why still bitch and moan over a number of those who choose to date interracially?

    That’s their business and lives, and not your’s…again, why do you care about them anyways?!

    They’re not the ones sleeping in an empty bed like some other folks.

    Believe me, I am wide awake to the possibilities that I as a black woman have choices like any other race of women when it comes to dating. I no longer have to feel guilty of liking a non-black man because it’s considered to be some kind of “betrayal”…please.

    Sure it may be hard, but I’m sure it’s worth it.

  24. thecwexperience

    sign me up…i have expanded my options..and encouraged others to do so as well…i have a similar blog in it’s infancy stage…. i can be reached theree as well…. keep up the good work!

  25. cracker

    I stumbled upon this site, trying to answer a question. pleased to find I am not alone. I have been married to a black woman for six years and have been feeling guilty for thinking I was causing her stress because of the attitude we recieve in public. She has tried to assure me she is ok with it. I have found much reassurance from this blog and its very nice to know that some understand the importance of love and respect in a relationship and not color of skin.

  26. Caligyrl

    @Brothersofthefuture,

    whatevever..my messsage to you is you need not waste your time worrying about Black Women’s IR experiences… we’ve survived this long in the face of adversity so im sure we’ll be just fine. Again..Thanks for your concern.

  27. Coach

    Yes Caligyrl, my pride is hurt. But you are wrong about me not caring about black women. I love my black wife of 22 years and i love my black blood sisters (3) who cannot find a good husband. But please trust me on this one: Most white men do not give a damn about you! I attended a predominently white college Pepperdine University Malibu CA. I watched my black sister sit on the floor at the feet of a rich white guy while he ate his lunch with his white friends, just like a prize poodle. I’m sure I’m a little older than you and it is harder for me to accept the fact that the white man is sincere in accepting our people as equal. Unlike you, I will not make a personal attack against you because you have a right to your opinions. But you don’t know my experience so you should be a little considerate to my opinions on this sensitive topic.

    Peace, Caligyrl.

  28. Caligyrl

    im not making a personal attack on you , im just staing a true fact..! Most Black Men are having a problem these days because Black Women are crossing over moreso than ever and it’s a pride/ego thing with you guys. The problem is that while you Black Men can say that White Men don’t care for us, and go into the usual history lesson ..you fail to see the thousands of Black Men that are with White Women!! Do you really think all White Women care about Black Men? The real problem is that you Black men want to have your cake and eat it too and it’s not working out that way! Black Women have the ability to make decisions upon who is right and who is wrong for them …try backing off and letting us do just that..

    Thank You

  29. kai

    If you know any white guy looking for a meaningful and fulfilling relationship, please, please send them my way.

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  31. Ms. Miami

    I love this topic because I’ve been seriously thinking of dating a white man or someone of another race. I am a successful black woman who is tired of dealing with black men, period. Trust me, I have my share of reasons and will probably receive some hateful responses after this. Nevertheless, I’m ready to step outside of the box and find someone who understands true romance, communication skills, and partnership. I’ve realized that means I have to forget about the dating circle that I’m used to and try something new.

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  33. Mac

    I’m a widowed white man who has since college days in 1968 been attracted to Black women. Now that I am without a wife, my life is not over and I want to experience a friendship/relationship with a Black or Hispanic woman. Not out of curiosity, but more out of a natural attraction. It never dawned on me that I could be experiencing the “black concubine” syndrome, but I don’t think that is it with me.

    I live in the Conservative Republican South where mixed race relationships aren’t uncommon now days but in many circles is still considered wrong.
    Since I was born and reared outside the South, I often do not share this mindset, but am more open minded.

    Is there a place or organization where I can make it known that I am interested in women outside my Caucasion race? I live in the East Central Georgia area bordering South Carolina, and am out of touch socially.

    I welcome an email response.

  34. Greg

    I read a few of the comments here. I am a white guy married to a black women. We have been together for 8 years. We met at work, and we just clicked.

    If you want to date a white guy, go somewhere culturally mixed. It will just make for a better experience for the both of you. I would also say if you guys got serious, to move to a place that was culturally mixed. White people will throw stares too, though I have never heard one comment.

    @capslockguy: My dad and aunt both let me know that, “Our family don’t date outside our race son.” Those kind of prejudices will never stop if I or whoever just fold and don’t take steps towards what we think is right. I know of black people that have said the same things. Racism is out there everywhere. Fight it though, don’t join it. And the original post wasn’t against dating black, it was just letting the black ladies know that they should give other races a try. Its just like any relationship, the white guy might cheat/abuse/lie/steal/whatever. That kind of thing happens.

    @black ladies: In general, talk about morals and foundation. You don’t want to date the white guy that wishes he was black, but thinks that being black is emulating rappers off of movies and MTV.

  35. suzette

    Is all this talk really about skin color and race or culture?

  36. Tifferoni

    @ Greg;

    Thank you for you message. I think it was the best comment on the board.

    @ Coach:
    How can you speak for an entire race of people? Oh yeah! That’s that whole “racism” thing, isn’t it? Look Coach, either you are an internet troll stirring up debate or you are really delusional. As a college educated man, I am disappointed that you are so jaded that you walk around with these narrow minded thoughts in your mind. Racism is real, and prevalent in the US. But you cannot say a blank statement like “Most white men with black women see them as prizes.” That’s racist and ignorant – you cannot speak for a race of people based of your own limited personal experiences. Fighting racism with more racism is just as bad as denying racism.

    People are people and love is love. It really can be as simple as that.

  37. Zahra

    I am a young black woman in nyc, i do date “interacially” sometimes, i wil say i dont get the stares and looks from people, or maybe i do but i dont notice, is it because of where i live? even when i went to school in Kentucky i dated a white guy there, didnt get much, but there were a few wtimes when people had something to say, looks, etc.

    it’s funny, because i think men in general are just kind of shallow, as are women, we say we know what we want but do we realy? my boyfriend who is jewish mainly dated jewish and italian girls before me,white women. he was and is not “particularly” attracted to sisters, and thats fine with me, i don’t want anyone with a serial record of dating black women.

    as long as i can talk to him, laugh with him and i get my respect, thats what matters for me, as long as he is a good human being in general. BTW, black men are doing it big up here with spanish white asian women etc, but they are men, they are expected dto do this and its ok, same rule should apply to us, but i feel people hold black women “responsible” for holding together black communities, they feel if we skip out with white men what will happen to the already in distress community.

    I can understand all these isuses, but a black man has to respect a black woman and vice versa, this so called man shortage has put both of us at odds with each other, which is unfortunate, in general, i don’t feel the love, but i will always hope and maintain that black communities grow stronger as time goes by

  38. I am a black female from Africa. Where i come, race or color is not so much an issue until i came to the states. I love white men, period. I love brothas too. So basically, i am looking for a man that will love me.

  39. undertheradar

    Hey all, I’m a white man and I have dated a few black women – Jamaican, Haitian, and African. Until yesterday, I really didn’t think it was an issue. I live in Newark, NJ and I work in Irvington, NJ. Both cities are predominately black communities. Yesterday, I went to the Music Festival, the Jazz portion, and I had a female friend meet me, who is black. Now, I have been pursuing this women for a while, but we just remain friends by her choice. If I could have it my way, we would be together. I have no preconceived notions that she is “freakier” than any white woman I have been with, I just find myself incredibly attracted to her. In any event, after James Moody concluded his amazing set, my friend was leaving, so I was going to walk her to her car. Before we could walk ten steps, an older black male said, “You couldn’t find yourself a good black man?” The comment surprised me, not because I don’t think people are still against interracial dating, but because I am not even “with” this woman. I want to be with this woman, and I can’t be, so when the man made that comment I was surprised to think someone assumed we were together. I immediately came home and started searching the web and this is where it landed me. I’m not sure why certain people have certain feelings about interracial dating – except of course religious reasons – but I try to understand why people may not approve of things. What I can’t understand is why someone wouldn’t want happiness for others, regardless of where or why that happiness is coming from. Our country’s past is a checkered past, but I am here an now, and the only things I can control are the way I treat myself and others today and tomorrow. I date all kinds of woman, I just so happen to be around more black women than other types of women. It has nothing to do with sex, slavery, or culture – it has to do with attraction. If a woman is intelligent, beautiful, and fun, I am willing to date her and if not, then I move on. Period. I’m not sure why I am even responding to this blog, but I feel as if I need to. “White” men are not a group. I am who I am and I am vastly different from every person I have ever met. There is no way to classify me, just as I assume most of you are not classifiable. I write, read, workout, and continually work on my constant state of becoming. If anyone wants to classify me or stereotype me, do so based on those things, not the color of my skin.

  40. SS

    I am a 28yo white male I live in the south Alabama to be exact small community mostly white with a few hispanics. All my life I’ve been attracted to black women more than white. It was not until I got to high school that I got to go to school with any black people. I’ve always thought that black women were not interested in white men so I never approached them to ask them out. After high school I married a white woman and we had 3 great kids she(my wife) is unpleasant to live with to say the least. Her cousin prefers black men and I’ve no problems with that at all. Some she has dated were good guys some weren’t. It was around her that I was hit on, on 2 occasions by very beautiful black women. I was shocked because like I said I didn’t think black women were interested in white men at all. So I started searching the internet to test my ignorance and to my surprise I was wrong at least by some black women. I’m glad, gives me hope that I’ll one day be able to date or marry that black woman that I’ve always admired.

  41. Reckha

    I have always be attracted to,primary, white men. I guess it is something in my blood that I can not explain. Black men try and tell me I am racist for it. But why should I force myself to be with someone I will never fully be attracted to. Anyway, it is better to marry someone you will not have the urge to cheat on.

  42. curahee

    Hey there. Im a white guy and have a mixed race girlfreind and im always getting stares from black men and do you know what, it doesent bother me. the colour of the skin of my girlfriend does not make any difference to me, i dont care if your white, black, yellow or purple with green spots, i love her because of the person beneath her skin. I must admit though im mor attracted to black women than i am to white women, i dont know why its just that am. Love comes in all different shapes, sizes and even shades but if we all learnt to live together in peace and harmony we wouldnt be having this debate right now. Oh and one more thing, im from the uk and loving my girlfriend forever and ever! x

  43. danno

    I know that my perspective on this issue stems from the fact that I’m a christian and have been greatly influenced by what the scriptures proclaim. I wouldnt care for a second what anyone would think of me dating a black woman. If the black woman that I dated was truly a child of God, popular opinion sort of goes out the window with the rest of this worlds selfish and self centered based opinions and idiologies. If I found some black queen and we fell in love, I know for a fact that all of the deep psychological and emotional hang ups (mentioned by some here) as a result of the past (slavery/racism) could be overcome. When we choose to love someone, part of realy loving someone is learning to overlook the others inconsistancies, weaknesses, and faults, and forgiving. Real love can even overcome distrust, bias, and fear. Just like the scriptures say “love covers a multitude of sins”. When interracial relationships bother ‘other’ people, it realy sheds light on thier own insecurities and personal bias, and yes it is always very hypocritical. If you say otherwise, your not being honest with yourself. There are a lot of things in black women that I find very attractive. They ‘can’ have strengths that are very appealing to men like myself. Those same strengths might frighten some others though. Black women (my humble opinion) ‘can’ have a much more down to earth and realistic perspective on life because of past struggle and difficulty. I love a woman who doesnt ‘play the radio’. Dont get me wrong, I’m not advocating violence. I personaly came out of my own little personal hell, and I know what it is to struggle in this life, so I’m probably different than most white folks. Hey ! There’s an interesting and provoking thought ! Were not all the same nor can we all be put into neat little profiles ! Immagine that. And since I dont believe in evolution (lie from the pit) I know that every black woman out there has been made in the likeness and in the immage of her creator, and has great value as a person and as a human being. Loved by God I might add. So what on earth would I be concerned about someone else not liking the fact that I’m white and she is black as a couple ?? PLEASE

  44. Princess

    As an attractive black woman, I have dated men of all colors and ethnic background.
    I love white men the best. They spend more time listening and actually talking with me.
    Sexually they are better in bed. Their oral skills are far superior to most black men.
    I have a Masters Degree and If I am attracted to a man then I could care less about how much money he has or his education level.
    I just appreciate white guys more and they in turn appreciate me more. I believ a lot of sistas will be dating more white men if the white men ask them out.

  45. Wil

    C-Dina – marry me

  46. Nadege

    it’s weird, i have dated white guys here and there in the past, no “real” problems. yes a few family members on his side, an uncle ( this was in college) didnt approve, but his immediate family liked me, mine liked his, a few expressed ” concern”, a decade and more goes by and i am 30 years old now, living in nyc – i relocated from the deep south.

    i now find myself after such a long time having a relationship with a white guy(jewish). maybe i don’t notice but we don’t really get that much flack, not sure if its because im in nyc or what, but when i am with him i am concentrating on being with him and that’s it.

    not to say we haven’t had someone say stuff,but it hasnt been overtly negative-even he told me he was kinda surprised about that, alot of his friends compliment him and say that i am very pretty and a nice girl.

    in the back of my mind, being the person of color in the relationship, i sometimes think and wonder who is gonna be the fool that comes out of their mouth and says some #@! to us,

    we are not together based on any racial preferences, his exes have been white, i dont have any special affinity for white men in particular, maybe that shows, i don’t know, were not on a showcase, we are just going about our lives and enjoying each other company .

    i dont really see much of our combo here in the city, or maybe its just where i go and wher ei live, i do see more of the opposite, black men with white/latina and asian, i think the combo of a black woman and a white man incites something in people, i don’t know what it is, like because white men are the ones “on top” in the western society, why would he want a black woman? that is the mentality i believe

    , it is admitting something about black women that this society has not wanted to for a long time, we are desirable and attractive to other men, yes and “even a white man”, black women are very important in the black communities ( not to say black men are not) but they are expected to be there, regardless, so dating a white man is seen as a betrayal 4 some ,that is what it is for some people and that is disturbing to them, oh well

  47. jnfr

    As a black woman, I was always skeptical of white guys growing up. I was taught by my parents to be leery of white people because of the long history of interracial strife. As a freshman I saw some gorgeous white boys with muscle running with their shirts off at my high school. I was really surprised that I felt a strong sexual attraction to them.

    When I went to college at a small liberal arts school, I quickly discovered that most of the men there were white, and that my prospects were limited for dating black men. The townies I met were all playa wannabes and treated me more like a potential conquest than a woman. I was distraught for almost two years before I finally opened up to the possibility of dating white guys.

    As a junior I started to spend a lot of time with this cute white guy who was in my study group. We flirted quite a bit, and one day I asked him why white men and black women couldn’t date when it was okay for BM/WW. He sort of balked at the question, and I–getting kind of annoyed–asked him why white men didn’t find black women sexy. He responded somewhat nervously that he thought I was sexy as hell(gulp!), and I almost ran away right there!

    Needless to say, we started a relationship (slowly) from there. It felt weird at times, almost like a betrayal of my family, but when I was honest with myself I had to admit that he totally made me happy. Sex was especially weird at first, but he totally opened my mind when he told me that feeling that way was an affront to his manhood, just like it would be affront to my womanhood if he had told me that sex with a black woman was weird. He was a man, and I was a woman. End of story.

    We eventually got married and have two beautiful children together. My parents got over it when they saw how good a man he was and how happy he made me. Sistas, take love wherever you find it. If it’s black, white, orange or whatever, grab on and don’t let go. So many quality WM love us, but are scared away by the “blacks only” policy that we’ve been indoctrinated to have. Don’t give up on your own desire for love, family and fulfillment just because your man doesn’t have the skin color you thought he would when you were 14.

  48. Steve A

    I am a white guy who appreciates lovely black women. I have always been attracted to black women and to me nothing is sexier than a gorgeous black woman. I am finding that more black women are willing to date white guys which is good, but I still don’t see that many white guys with black girls when I am out. I do find that when I am out with a black woman, we get many looks of pure disgust from some of the black guys. I hope that will change.

  49. Revelationship

    Thought I would add my two cents. I just love women, specifically black women. Isn’t God good? He satisfies the DESIRES of every living thing. If you find that statement objectionable, you find the book of Psalms objectionable. If a black woman is my desire and I am satisfied, I am a blessed man indeed. One observation is that it is easier for people to stay in the “racist white camp” or the “opressed black camp” and hurl tired stereotypes around. It’s easier to hate from a distance. One possible conclusion is that they don’t have many friends of other races for fear of being identified as a phony. Which is exactly why, the purpose and reason that certain “family and friends” don’t want you to bring around your other race bf’s/gf’s or friends. The bottom line is just be you. Real talk for real people.

  50. Fit1

    In reply to Coach;
    All white men are not prejudice. I believe a large percentage are but there are exceptions depending on how they were raised. I have heard your frame of mind from lots of brothas. It is so insulting that you don’t believe a white man can love us but you do believe a white woman can love you and you can love her back. We are just as beautiful and desirable as any other race of women. They are trying to emulate our butts, lips and complexion. They pay good money to look like us. I live in an area where brothas sport around fat unattractive white women, marry them and have kids with them in large!!!!!! numbers. Is it love or is it because these women take their crap and financially take care of them. I’m in my 40s now and have dated outside my race since I was in my 20s. I worked in Law enforcement and men of all races were attracted to me and wanted to date and marry me. I ended up with a very wonderful White Captain of the Department and he traveled me all over the world and treated me like a lady. The black male officers mostly had your frame of mind but after many years of seeing how he loved me they too had to believe. They knew he took me everywhere with him and no one dared say anything when we were out because he was 6’5″ and very intimidating himself. So even if a brotha stared he would never say anything. He took me home to his kids from a previous marriage and his mother in Italy. I don’t look mixed, I don’t have “good hair” but I am chocolate and a very fit sista. I was however, young and stupid so after 6 years and him proposing twice I decided I only wanted to marry a Brotha! to keep my family happy. I still have not found anyone to love me the way he did. My loss.

  51. Map

    Great site. I have always been attracted to white guys and I think there is nothing wrong with interracial dating.

  52. I am white so let me get this out of the way from the start…I can agree with some of the things that are said about sista’s dating white guy’s. But as some whom was raised in a black family beginning at 3- day’s old. As I reached the years of becoming aware of what I liked (which) was never outside of the black community. Over the year’s I have heard and seen so much from both side’s concerning interracial dating or marriage! I’m in my early 50′s now and I still do not understand why men or men want to use the pass as an excuse to be loved and in a very meaningful relationship. My Three sister’s all married white guy’s who all three of these ladies are older than I. But it had nothing to do with their baby brother being white but everything to do with the fact thier husband’s loved and respected them the way they wanted to be loved and treated by a man! These marriages have lasted for , 43, 39, 36, years.

  53. kel

    COACH: Black women hate seeing you get used too. Trust me… those ladies arent marrying those NFL players for love. If they were broke those ladies wouldnt look their way. It’s just reality. As for me…..I don’t mind if white men see me as freaky….I Love being desired especially after years of feeling like I come in second to caucasian women. Like everything they do is better. It’s my own private personal experience that has led me to white men. It’s a better fit because of my past circumstances. Not that one is better than the other. Mine is a result of emotional abuse because I was made to feel that way. Even popular songs of today have lyrics speaking of “red bone” “straight hair” “yella” or “white girls shakin” and adoration and praise for other races of girls. I found that White men love my rich dark brown skin and natural textured hair. I feel like I can be myself and don’t have to mimic the beauty of another race. Its so sad that i didn’t receive that type of adoration from the Black men I encountered in my personal life. This is what has landed me enjoying being adored. Just sharing MY reality. Anothers womans life story may be different.

    Peace and blessings.

  54. Dave

    Hey folks let me get this out of the way right off the bat. American society is headed towards a light to medium brown complextion as the majority of citizens. Really black people and really white people like my self are an endangered species, THANK GOD the idea of any group of people being a “pure race” is a big fat lie and always has been. And for you white folks that believe that jesus christ was white STOP IT RIGHT NOW! I believe the bible says skin the color of olives and hair like that on a sheep~oooh kinda sounds like jesus might have been a “negro” dosen’t it?
    My prefrence in women since the age of 13 years old which would have been in 1974 was and still is black women or mixed women of darker complexion. In my 49 years of walking this planet I have dated very few white women, I am simply not attracted to them, but put a pretty black women in my presence oooh-weee, I will trip over my feet and my tounge trying to find a way to get to her. I have been blessed over my life and have dated and been friends with some of the most beautiful “black” women around. Sometimes its had its challenges, I can get a bit of bullshit from both whites and blacks. throughout my life I have found one thing to hold true almost always anytime a mutha fucker be hatin’ on someone else it generally stems from fear and jealousy, so I just ignore it and walk my way. It should be stated that while I have few male friends the ones that I do are mostly black men, not thugs and not “gangstas” they are educated, intellegence, open minded men, who many of them seem to prefer dating white women in which I say please date as many as you would like, that will leave more beautiful black women for myself to date, lol. well thats my views and I pray for the day we can end the race card and the division that it causes and as a great man once said. “I have a dream that one day all men and women will be judged by the content of their character not the color of their skin” God Bless You All And May The Light Of Truth Shine Bright

  55. Tamale 420

    I stumbled up on this web site and have found it very interesting and informative. I am a middle aged white male who throughout most of my life have dated primarly black or mixed black women. It has been my prefrence since I was 13 years old. This is one white boys reason for why I love and adore black women. God bless my father, he was a professional dancer who danced for the San Francisco Ballet Company than went on to help create Ballet West in Utah, In the summer’s my dad would teach at dance and music camps. One of the places that he taught while I was 13, 14, and 15 was back in North Carolina outside of Boone, Sugar Mountain to be exact. Growing up my parents did a great deal of entertaining at our house and while it was still the 1960 and 1970s it was common in the arts community to see mixed raced couples. I often refer to our home as being like a bag of skittles. Even as a young child I loved all of the different “colors” and personalitys that came into our home. While we were back south though my dad who took me and my sister to a black baptist church, he introduced us to many different opinions and opportunities and caught hell from my mom’s parents for this. Remember I was 13 when I first attended this church. But what grabed me and held me was the strengh of the black women at this church, I was very aware of history and what had gone on in regards to slavery and this was in the South during the time that cival rights were really the topic of the day. The love that these women showed me, my sister and my father was overwhelming to me, I thought that if anyone had a reason to be a little stand offish towards our white ass’s it would be them, but the love and acceptance we were shown was genuine and honest and I loved the additude that most of these women took “quit whining and take care of your business, you don’t even know what tough is” God I loved that and again remember I was 13 with a whole lot of 13 and 14 years old black girls around. The rest is history I was sprung. For me I find black women incredibly beautiful, there certainly is no black concubine additude, I simply adore black women. Yes there is always a number of people who want to stop and stare and maybe even throw out some rude comment, what I have found in my life is that that comes from ignorance, jealousy and fear, my additude since very young has been “get over it and quit hatin’” I’m gonna date who I wanna date and be with who I wanna be with, period. And if people want to accept the truth, the truth is there is no “pure” race and eventually in an open society like ours us white folks and you really black folks are headed the way of the dinasours, because eventually we are going to end up with a light to medium brown society, so get use to it and welcome and embrace it. and if one of your daughters or sons marrys out side of his or her “race”, please for god’s sake especially if there are children involved leave the race card where it belongs, the dipsty dumpster. One last thing to mention I have two children both from the same mother who are mixed, their mother is a beautiful lady who gave me two beautiful mixed children, Thank you Sheri, I love you for that

    • Tamale 420: Thanks for sharing your love of sistas. I think the black women in that church would be happy to hear that their kindness wore of on you. Blessings

  56. fred

    First and foremost, I can’t read your comments because your title is misleading. Women, no matter the skin tone, are not looking simply for love. The possibility of love can only come about after all other prerequisites are met, the same as with cauc, asian, indian, and any other culture. I do realize there are some men that are materially driven, but for the most part, men just live life to enjoy it, like myself. Personally, I’ve met and enjoyed the company of AA women, hispanic women (married one), and cauc women. I do prefer AA women and have for over 35 yrs now, but can’t seem to find the right one. What I seek the most is a great friend, someone that can simply live life to enjoy it, because, in the end, we’re only here for a second in time.

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