As a 30 something black woman living in Chocolate City I’ve come to an interesting conclusion regarding love and dating with regard to the African American community as it currently stands.
Black Men have lots of viable, desireable options when it comes to marriage and love. Black Women don’t, and may have to come to grips with the fact that many of them who want marriage will never find it.
Now, I come to this conclusion not from a scientific study or quantitative measure…this is just opinion. However, I’d like to know…Is it just me or does the dating scene seem a little bleek for African American women let’s say….30-45 years of age??? You tell me? Sistas, are you meeting good men, men that you think would make good husbands and fathers? Brothers, are black women superficial and trying to find mates that don’t exist? Does anyone out there in the dating world actually know what they want…are they realistic in their desires?
Black women tend to immasuclate black men.I don’t blame them persay, I blame the psychological impostion that was put upon our race from the onset.In that black men are viewed by white society as inferior,whether by economic or social status and our women see that as a weakness ,because they where conditioned to see us as second class.Therefore what they want and want they actually get is their reality.They have to change their perception of who they see black men as and start seeing black men for what God made black men to be in his image.What man creates utimately creates wheter social stauts or economis imprisonment does not last!
As a mother of two twenty something daugheters, that have no children. The only guys that they can find are the ones with records.
I think that black women as black men are the victims of glaring generalizations and stereotypes that don’t fit the majority of us–The sad thing is that many of us are the ones perpetuating these generalizations–Black women are loud—gold digging–emasculators of the black man–Please give me a break–If we allow each women to be who she is rather than what we have chalked her up to be—the black women wouldn’t have such a negative stigma attached to her as soon as she walked into a room and maybe the black man or men in general would be more apt to approach her or more receptive when she approaches him–
I totally disagree. I also live in Chocolate City and I think the notion of Black men having tons of options and Black women having none is an urban myth. Sure in sheer numbers the ratio between single black men to single black women may not be 1:1. HOWEVER, no one ever factors in worthy dateable black men to worthy dateable black women. As a friend to many a black single woman MANY of us (though as attractive and paid as all get out) have not done the introspective work to attract a worthy mate. I’m sorry.
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What introspective work? If my mother (married 35 years until my father passed) and my grandmother married 65 plus years) never needed any introspective work…then what work is there?
I don’t think love has to be deep, it’s just love.
I don’t think we are living in the same times as your grandmother and mother. Nor do I believe that love is just “poof” ***waving magic wand*** love. After all of the sexy stuff (you’re cute, he’s cute, theres a lot of chemistry and great sex) its work.
My grandparents were married for a long time too. But her expectations were different. She never earned a living outside of my grandfather and she stayed muted on alot of family decisions. And gender roles weren’t negotiated—they just were.
I think there may also be some truth in Derek’s emasculation perspective. Because although it is a new day, men still like to feel like men, and on some level ambitious women still like to feel soft and pink.
But I very much believe that the law of attraction is always at work with everything. I wrote about this today–you attract what and who you are ready for. So if the same relationships and people keep showing up–isn’t it time for some self reflection???
I really agree with thecomebackgirl. I also live in the Chocolate City (I find a lot of us blog), and she is right. Pickings are better for men, but not great. There are a large number of females in this area that simply “have not done the introspective work to attract a worthy mate”.
I’m always personally upset when I meet a seemingly great girl who often suffers from the stereotypical ignorance and destructive behavior which will always stunt her personal growth.
Its just all around bad out here …
The reality is that many black women feel that they are entitled to get married. Of course this is something that westernized society tells you from a young age, so it’s not just black women who feel this. One is led to understand that marriage is on the way and they just need to get themselves prepared, pray, change, lose weight, get their credit right…whatever…and that man that they want will come. There is no formula. There is no amount of change and reflection necessary. Some women will just never get married. Period. History and life tells us that. Women, Black women need to be ok with that and not feel that they have to have a man, or get married. This is the point that I’m trying to bring out.
On another note…self Reflection is fine but a relationship involves 2 people. If you are talking from the perspective of the Law of Attraction…you have to except all possiblities. The law of attraction is not a **poof**…and it’s all good concept. You can wish to attract, concentrate on attracting, and self reflect all you want…the Universe will not make another human being do anything. It’s possible that you will only get close to what you desire. There is always a possiblity that what you think you are going to manifest may not completely be the manifestation. The mainifestation may be different…but better. Different, and unacceptable. The University, God, the Great Infinity…knows better than us, and knows what we want better than we do
It’s all about the individual.
I don’t think anyone should feel entitled to be married. However, everyone deserves and is entitled to have all the love their hearts can muster be it in a comitted relationship, open relationship, or marriage.
The law of attraction has nothing to do with another person. But once you evolve into the best person you can be i believe whole heartedly that who and what you want (and are ready for) evolves or shows up.
And to me its not just about the man, the husband or the ring. Its about the process. I decided that I wanted to be the best person that I can be because I’m happy when I;m fit, I’m happy when I’m making great money and doing other fullfilling things with my life–and of course I want to ulitmately share that with someone-and like attracts like.
I mean hey maybe I’m totally wrong. But I found that when I started to work on me. Better people all around started to show up and relationships got better.
Give me a break. Too Many women look at too many urban shows on TV , in the movies and think the world is JUST LIKE THAT!!. The black world isn’t . We black men just want someone who is down to earth , intelligent, mid maintenance who aren’t full of themselves!!. And for goodnes ssakes under 140 pounds. at least. Get in Shape!!, THAT is a MAJOR problem
yes please GET IN SHAPE my black women we still love you thick..but do something with the stomach..today is the day of slim i dont know what it is MAYBE TV I’am sure.But ladys we need more than a fat ass these girls be walking around here slim in shape and looking sexy as hell..sorry, black women are lazy ..I see white women work,cook,take care of kidz,AND RUN to stay in shape for there men..look I’am not bashing my women but the black man has step it up over the last two decades and black women are acting worst than ever,yeah we still have problems but the black men are raising there kids more than ever today,.and blk women are money hungary,demanding,can’t and will not cook,and always talking “you get on top my legs hurt”. no matter what we do for you it’s not enough. A black women is a tremendous strain on a black mans heart
although I do not consider 30-45 “prime” dating age (a whole nother conversation) by the numbers:
Black Men: 3,466,000
Black Women: 4,311,000
so if every black woman paired with every black man (remember the musical chairs game when we were kids)…845,00 Bloack Women would be…..chairless?
I live in the DFW, TX area, late 30′s single, no children and want them. However, most men are making all black women the same. Statements such as black women are lazy and black women are acting worse than ever does not pertain to all of us. You automatically look at us and that is what’s on your mind. So we already lose out. I meet men and the first question is “how many kids do you have?” Yall already think I have kids. We have to prove ourselves to yall before yall get to know us. I have come to the conclusion that I may not get married. I may not be ready; God has shown me that. But when I am ready, he will bring him to me. I’m not gonna worry about it. These are some good comments and there are some things to think about.
The LOA absolutely does affect other people. If you work on yourself (as you mentioned you do) to become loving, giving, compassionate, committed etc. then you will attract people of like vibrations.
There is definitely a grave shortage of good black men. A small percentage of the good ones are taken and a large percentage are jerks (to say the least). Many are superficial and are about playing games. That’s at least what the situation is in NYC!!
Life is what you make it. What will you choose? No matter the statistics, everything that is meant for you , will be. Are you in tune with what is meant for you? If not, feel the pain of the struggle. That is why I concern myself with my inner being…as within so without.
Truth is, as a man/woman thinketh is a concept that effects our life experiences. So I begin with me and trust that everything that flows in my life is a reflection of what is going on inside me…that, in the end, keeps me enjoying the relationships I have with the wonderful and not so wonderful men I have had the honour of being involved with. I await the gloriuous-ness o fthe next relationship I experience. No need to be attached so much, njoy the journey…
T. Dorsey and Dreamlifenow can I be your bestest friend.
I mean black people hello…this is what we need to be talking about. Even excluding a man, I want to be better just because self-examination is the spice of life. I want to be a better person than I was yesterday not just for a black man but for me. For the growth lessons.
Lets not forget Socrates who said: the unexamined life is not worth living.
And I don;t think he was talking about examination to get a black man to love you.
I’ve mentioned this myself comebackgirl. I always hear Black women talking about the lack of a good Black man as if we are inherently suitable and ready for a mature, loving marriage?
Just like this convrsation has shown–while Black women are talking about the lack of good women, Black women are talking about the lack of good men.
I know a lot of good Black men and I know a lot of trifling Black women. In fact, I know more “good” Black men than “good” Black women.
Of course we all have our opinions of what “good” is.
On the question of whether Black Women are destined to be single:
The fact that Black Men were even divorced from the question is both obvious and telling evidence as to the problem!
So I’d have to say: unfortunately, yes. We…both Black women and men…are destined to be single in large measure.
On a very basic level, it is difficult to marry someone that you don’t respect or appreciate. Furthermore, it is difficult to marry someone that doesn’t respect or appreciate you.
All too often…in word, deed and action; overtly, covertly…we continue to prove that we hate each other and ourselves as a people.
This reality fuels and further continues our decline which will lead to our extinction.
It amazes me that absent of physical slavery, we are more destructively bound by the mental, psychological and emotional forms.
We have conveniently forgotten that there was a time when a Black Woman (a slave), prayed for a way that a Black Man (also a slave), could be her partner and she his. To be Partners: bonded through the most horrific, tenuous life circumstances imaginable. Those who forget are
destined to repeat such circumstances…
Both the current process of socialization of our people and its manifestation is insidious as well as clearly effective.
The question is by whose design, to suit whose purpose and promoted by whom?
Let’s think for a moment and ask some basic questions:
Who would wish for (and benefit from) us to be destructively divided and hopeless and hopeless as a people…to serve as a perpetual underclass?
Hmmm…
Who has dramatically increased the means and power to shape minds collectively and massively through the media (socialization) throughout the past 6 decades?
Hmmm…
Why have our communities, institutions, families and marriages declined rapidly to the point of failure over this same period?
Worse yet: why is it with all of the supposed gains …”economically” and “educationally…by Black folks, that we have lost our understanding and perspective. That the circumstances of our place in this society were dictated to us by slavery: our collective past, and that this must be overcome in all forms.
We need to address and correct our collective ignorance immediately! It’s plain to see that as a people and as individuals whether we are “educated” or not, that we need to break the grip and cycle of destructive socialization upon our people. Of our adults and most importantly, of our children…
As Black people, we must create our own salvation as well as therapy for each other and stop the shameless damnation of one another! Furthermore, we need to realize that to do so is in our own best interest and that only we can heal each other effectively.
Brothers and Sisters: it just is not cute, wise or in our interest to demean each other…publicly or privately. How can it be? Yet it is curious that we thrive on doing so. We need solutions and real leaders, not “chest-beaters”.
We are so out of touch with each other and ourselves that earning all of the money, titles and PHDs on the planet will not assist us until we grip the reality that we actually need each other and actually need to assist one another…lest we continue dying a slow death.
As individuals, let’s start simply by finding some way to help (our) people, institutions, families and relationships better…stronger…in some small way each day. Make and keep this as a daily commitment.
We need less self-glorification and more teamwork: in our lives, communities, families and relationships. Persons that are dutifully committed to the interest of the greater good of healing our people through the manifestations of their life.
Does anyone see this?
Comebackgirl, Dreamlife, Akilah:
You’ve all made some great points!
Much love to you: there’s hope eternal…
Male or female, we all need introspection to know (or care) whether we are a “killer” or a “healer”; a “polluter” or a “cleaner” in our grand battle as Black People, by the result of your life’s will, words, decisions, actions and deeds.
Without introspection, it is impossible for any of us to make sound, conscious, willful and effective decisions: those ones that will ultimately guide our actions.
I believe that as a people we need far more introspection to become successful. This includes us all: Black Men, Women, Boys and Girls alike.
We simply cannot afford to be “clueless” and ignorant: whether educated or not, wealthy or not!
It seems that too often these days we are content to accept as well as adopt self-destructive values and views without question of origin or consequence. The resulting unfortunate reality is that we continue to kill each other (and ourselves) literally and figuratively by doing so.
A big part of the problem in this society is that the definition of “good” is both obscured and diluted for most people.
Growing from boyhood and raised to become a conscious black man, a main priority in my life has been to provide for the physical, emotional, spiritual and financial well-being of my family. There have been circumstances where I’ve struggled with the latter, but the first three are ultimately achievable. I’ve realized that more than any other achievement, this is the most important gift…and will be the basis of my legacy.
Unfortunately, I’ve never been married and don’t have any children. In my mid 40′s, I find it as difficult to find a “compatible” woman as the same women that say they are having finding a “compatible” man.
The difference for me is that there are very few such prospects due to an overwhelming lack of reality or introspection in women these days.
Almost regardless of educational background, the blurring of gender roles and socialization of Black woman have proven to be an insurmountable barrier if not a challenge to mutual acceptance and true intimacy between Black Males and Females.
Because the roles of women have changed (and expanded) far more drastically than have those of men over the past 6 decades, there is a gap that must be understood and negotiated by all parties.
As a Black man, I’m more than capable of and willing to do much! I can handle and welcome this expectation. What I cannot handle is the demand to be “perfect”: to be the “whipping boy” for those Black females that “have to have it all” in the quest for their perfect fantasy life. The ones that play: “find a flaw” and then in the absence of one “create a flaw”. Those ones that are so strongly, blindly selfish that they’ve made it impossible to be a gentleman…or even a real “man”…because they “have it all covered”.
As heinous as it sounds, I like to see a day where men once again open doors, assist with coats, protect their women, as well as head their families…as a standard. That the “role” of men to do manly things once again be upheld, embraced and appreciated.
The sad part of this society and especially in the Black community is that there just seems to be an imbalance. There is too much “male”! There are so many women trying to be “male” that their leaves no room or place for the male…or the man’s responsibility in the community.
All the while, their is far too little “female”! We need the undeniable, inherent and true power of the “female” to balance and nurture us…yet it has been abandoned: deemed to be a weaker quality by too many women.
It is horrible now: there seems to be no “women”, and “men” don’t even know what to do, when and if they’re willing. There is no unity, teamwork, harmony or nurturing of our people: adults or our children…
The responsibility that needs to be shared by all has been replaced by self-aggrandizement and the selfish chase for personal “glory”.
We are all at fault! Everyone is basically on their own, there’s no sharing of skills or nature, no collectivity…and we’re all obviously weaker for it.
Despite the “front”…
We need to come together as individuals and work out the details: out roles, our tasks, our jobs, our contributions. Then we need to be the best “Man” or “Woman” that we can be to each other, whatever that may be!
Peace to all: thanks for the dialog…
Lefty
We need to stop this blaming game (black man is the problem or black woman is the problem) while we are saying which one has the issue the problem never gets solved. Yes we both have problems there is no more unity between black men and women like there use to be. However to follow under the stereotypes and say all black women are fat and lazy is just wrong because you can’t speak for all black women. I think deep down we now what the problem is, knowing how to solve the it is another story.
Some ppl say “Love is colorblind”.
Is it true?
People love, so no, it’s not true.
“Love can be colorblind”… this is true. It’s not inherent.
To the “real deal”, I’m sorry to say, but you’re being very unreal. Health isn’t measured in pounds. Nor is mate-worthiness. 140 is great for a teenager, but for a woman more than 5 ft. tall who would like to make a healthy baby, she just needs to put away the scale, exercise, and eat well.
I’ll give my perspective on the dating situation of Black women. I live in one of the areas of the world most hostile to us: the middle east. Here, not only are people racially polarized, but religiously as well. It would be very easy for me, living where I live in Haifa, Israel, to say that the world either hates us or thinks of us all as whores…but there’s another side to that.
People like the so-called “real deal” and others like him, are what I like to refer to as sheeple. They buy whatever scam they’re sold on television, and the world is full of people like that. It’s full of people like that because of our “civilizations” being overly merciful to weak people, and no longer have the social structures with rites of passage that would eliminate and/or isolate them before their diseased mentalities could weaken mankind in general.
My sisters, think of the big picture. The rejection that you are experiencing is a symptom of a global problem. If you will overcome it, you must think like an African living on the planet Earth, and not like a “nigger” living in planet Hollywood.
If you do, you’ll realize that this world has been screwed up for a good long time, and that it will take us as many thousands of years to recover as a species, as it did to get into this mess.
You and I, Black women, just happen to be the opposite of what is popularly promoted as feminine by a media that is designed to cater to the weakest and lowest of humanity. The emaciated, infertile, underdeveloped whore is touted as ideal for exactly the same reason there is a warning not to spill the hot coffee you buy from a fast food place, onto your lap. Stupid people are the majority, and they are where the big money is.
People pay to be lied to, and to be made to feel as if what they are and what they have can’t be good enough. They need to buy something to make themselves better, and don’t have the good sense to test it against reality first.
You and I, Black women are the strongest women in the world. We are the healthiest and most beautiful, and have survived countless wars, exploitations, and epidemics. It is an African woman in some obscure village, who may even hold the key in her genes, to overcoming one of the most fearsome viruses of our time, HIV.
We are awesome.
As the strongest, it does not behoove us to complain that others cannot stand to gaze at the brightness in our collective souls. Do not, for a moment, concern yourself as more than a curious phenomenon, those who reject you. Instead, turn your attention to the ones who embrace you.
If one man will not have you, there is certainly another who will. If Black men in the U.S. don’t want you, certainly there are many African men who do. I understand they get a bad rap because of some of the bad ones, but there are a great many good ones who have overcome hardships that will remind you of the strength of your fathers and grandfathers. Indeed, they are more likely to be the sort who, in a crisis, could and would stand shoulder to shoulder with your father.
Not to mention, men of other ethnicities who have experienced similar trials. I’ll tell you a little secret about them: They view strong Black women as the epitome of beauty and femininity…because some of their mothers and grandmothers marched and fought oppressive governments, and carried their babies through treacherous territories, and their wounded soldiers through the crossfire.
There are more ways to be Black than having African ancestors in one’s recent history.
Think outside of the box. You are not limited in your options. There’s a whole world out here that you now have access to, since you have internet. Come outside in the sun.
I have read this article with immense interest and let me try and correct two things:
(a) I live in a big city in East africa, and what i know is that 1. The story line about God chosing for you your mate is pure fantasy, it has no precedent either in the Bible or anywhere else and it just goes to show that people are unwilling/incapable of making a choice and taking responsibility for their choices. People want to put all the responsibility on God, incase something goes wrong. But God cannot violate my freewill by making me (unknowingly/knowingly) chose you. If as a guy i look at you (lady) and see a hanging stomach, believe me, no matter of prayer will make me look at you twice.
And thats what ails the black woman today, she is either a church mouse, asking God to “drop her man from heaven” or on the other extreme end “a gold-digga’
The woman of today doesnt have values, its all just about clothes and more cothes and and salon, some very superficial stuff. Even at 30years old, some women are still actin like 14year old gals.
This means, the black woman cannot transmit values, coz her behaviour is exactly the same as her small sisters. She doesnt want to be told that her behaviour is wack.
Lawd help us.
Lastly,
those women who usually defend themselves as “not being part of the doomed group” dont stand out.
Awwww men, sorry for saying this, i know beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but men, you gatta admit that the chiqs who receive the most attenshun are the prettiest, (outward beauty) while those who dont usually are the ones who complain that they are not noticed.
I have a word of advise to these ones, please approach men more often, that way we will know that you are around.
It’s time for black women to do what black have been doing for decades: start searching outside your race. Your soul mate does not have to be black american, african, carribean or black for that matter. When sisters start taking a wider look at their opportunities and, yes…competition, no one will have to tell them to behave better…to cook or to work out and raise better men; after all these ‘black men with records’ were mostly raised by sisters
Let’s face it- most men, regardless of ethnicity, are jerks. Pray, pick one and try to make the best of him. ‘Other’ women have been doing this for centuries. Twiddling your thumbs and waiting for Mr Right- a black man who is btw 30 and 45; is 6’2″, athletic, makes over 150k/yr, has no kids, is well educated, good in bed, has eyes for no one but you and can dance salsa, will lead to many ‘never marrieds’.
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