Are Black Women Scarring Off Black Men?

“I am still single. I am over 30 and scared.” Hmmm…sounds like a lot of sistas I know. These are the words of Sister Joy Jones.

In 1991, Joy wrote a very controversial editorial for the Washington Post about relationships between Black men and women anywhere. This sister also wrote the very controversial “Marriage is for White People” more recently. I wanted to share an except  from the past with all of you.

Linear thinking, self-reliance, structured goals and direct action assist one in getting assignments done, in organizing church or club activities, or in positioning oneself for a raise; but relationship building requires different skills. It requires making decisions that not only gratify you, but satisfy others. It means doing things that will keep the peace rather than achieve the goal; and sometimes, it means creating the peace in the first place.

Maintaining a harmonious relationship will not always allow you to take the straight line between two points. You may have to stoop to conquer or yield to win. In too many cases, when dealing with men, you will have to sacrifice being right in order to enjoy being loved.

Being acknowledged as the head of the household is an especially important thing for many black men, since their manhood is so often actively challenged everywhere else. Many modern women are so independent, so self-sufficient, so committed to the cause, to the church, to career-or their narrow concepts of same-that their entire personalities project an “I don’t need a man” message. So they end up without one.

Click here for the whole article.


Filed under african american, black, black man, black women, dating, love, opinion, race, relationships, women

10 Responses to Are Black Women Scarring Off Black Men?

  1. Scarry Slice

    I really identify with Joy’s perspective. I too have found it difficult to date black men without having to reduce my natural instincts and talents that have made me successful in my career and goals. I have even had to date out (as the term goes for dating other races) in an attempt to placate my need to just be me. I have met a few brothas’ that really admire and even herald my intelligence and accomplishments but they refuse to become emotionally involved with me. They love my company as a friend because I am nice looking, jovial (the life of the party), and well connected. But as a lover or girlfriend they beg off.
    I guess to Black men I am just scary!

  2. As a professional Black woman I have been searching to meet a Strong Black man. This would be a Black man that is sure of himself, aggresive and a mover and a shaker. This type of man would not be intimidated by my accomplishments. He would also have the confidence in his own abilities, so as not to be jealous of mine.

    There is nothing as beautiful in this world as a Black man. Where are you my brothers?

  3. Dre

    I think that Black Women are seeking more than just a companion. I think that they want a man who can “provide” and is tall ( that plays a vital part). I’m 5-7. Somewhere in the middle. I have been single for a while. I have even tried to diversify what type of black women I’ve talked to. Chicken heads, college students, professionals. I know I am not ugly, but I don’t have a car nor my own place. (I think that the car thing is playing the biggest part. Just my opinion). I am particular. I don’t date women with children becuase I don’t have any. I do notice that some women do straighten up after they have children, but I feel that it is unfair that I have to deal with another man’s child. Why don’t women get they mind right before they get pregnant? I’m not mad at black women. I just think that they choose bad men. Everyone likes the rebel. Even men. No one imitates the “good guy”. Everyone likes the gangster. But gangsters are mean people. It might be the way our culture is designed? Who knows. I have dated a white women. I didn’t notice any real difference from a black woman. She was just a bit more sneakier when she did things. I think that a woman is a woman.

  4. Logical Blackman

    As a Black Man, we are more traditional when it comes to selecting a partner. I don’t wan’t a women who has the same character faults as I do as a man. Black men wants a women to accentuate us, and you can’t do that being idenitical. That has been a huge problem why Black women tend to attracted the deadbeats, DL Black Men, and thugs because they all have in common are they are willing to take the backseat and let the women lead. When a Black women do led they start resenting these men because she knows that he suppose to be in charge. They why Real Black men date outside their race cause other women knows their place.

  5. Ivy

    I find it frustrating that articles consistently reinforce the idea that black women are constantly striving and looking for black men and coming up short due to the education/earnings gap or the fact that “successful” black men marry out of their race. I’m honestly sick of all of the portrayals that we are only looking for black men and will settle for the local janitor as long as he has the right color skin. It’s to the point where a consistent repeating of the message has convinced society that this is the case unanimously.

    I am an Ivy-educated woman who has never had a problem getting dates from black men, yes, but also white men as well as Pacific Islander and Latin, etc. I personally happen to be more attracted to lighter skin in men and don’t particularly want to date black men. Sorry, but it’s true, and I know no less than 10 black women from similar education circles (Princeton, Harvard, etc) who exclusively date white men as well, not counting those who consistently date interracially. Please don’t lump us all into the same “poor me, no black man” category.

    I will never settle for some guy who is not my equal in every way. And I encourage all of you females reading this article to demand the same for yourselves. There are plenty of men of other races that find you extremely attractive but you have to believe it yourself. Once you believe you deserve them (and I do think that black females as a whole have a huge self-esteem problem in terms of believing they are attractive to the opposite sex), you’ll have to beat them off with a stick, ladies. I’m not more special than any of you, but I do happen to think I’m hot shit and don’t care about those who don’t agree. That’s ultimately what men find attractive.

  6. Kelly

    Thanks Ivy, this was well worth the read

  7. Willie

    Listen all, race should never an issue. We are all God’s people. I understand we should stick together, but I love all types of people and whould date all types of ladies. The key word is a lady. You have to be a lady to date me. My wife is a true lady and that is why I married her. Plus, my wife is a Latina and I am Black. I seek in a person first, color second. I do heard it from Black women all the time, “Can’t find no black women.” Don’t hate ladies. Just look for a good man period. Why hate, taked bad about a person, and so on? Just find your soul mate and be happy.
    Your area counts too. See, I grew up in spainsh environment so natural I would date more Latinas then Black, just as some Black men would date White women in a White envirnoment. It does not make any sense to go way out to just find a person of color just show other people can be happy. Make yourself happy first. Just give your partner a chance and stop the hating.

  8. Nana

    Yes Ivy, thank you for that reality check….I’ve been telling my black sistahs that all along…the last thing we want to do is settle.

  9. bb

    Here’s another reason: a lot of the fears that black women have, they use them and disqualify whole swaths of guys who are willing to date them.

    Case in point: myself, at an ivy school, phd, self made (from the projects), no criminal recrod, blah blah blah.

    Yet I’ve been told that I am “undateable” because I speak “too white,” and “must be on the DL.”

    Do white women say this, never. But almost every black woman (even the ones in graduate school here) does. Yet if I spoke ebonics, dressed in baggy pants, etc. I’d have a chance at dating.

    So tell me, why should a black man who gets judged as gay and as a pariah feel some moral obligation to a group that never wants anything to do with him sexually?

    No guy would sign up to be a 40 year old virgin.

  10. beth

    what a load of crap!

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